squared-em: innerfatgirl: ecrivaine: ...

Monday, November 14, 2011

innerfatgirl:

ecrivaine:

innerfatgirl:

even on days when i don’t look fancy, adorning myself with an excessive amount of brooches brings me a great deal of joy

I hope Majestic doesn’t mind me taking this opportunity of reblogging their post to ruminate on something for a sec. The “days when I don’t look fancy” is what I’m talking about. I’ve really been struggling lately with feeling like I can’t or shouldn’t identify as femme when lately I’ve been feeling like such crap, and have hardly worn a dress all semester. I don’t wear makeup because, while I like how it looks on other people, it just makes me feel fake in a bad way, and I can’t stand the way it feels. Some days I’m in so much pain from my chronic diseases and/or my disability, I just don’t have it in me to get fancy. And some days when I’m feeling that way, the only thing that makes me feel better is to get fancy. I want to believe that femme is something I carry within me, and finds its outward expression in kickass jewelry or something, but I also feel butch, and lately a sort of soft butch/femme mix is what I’m attaining. So I guess there are several questions at work here for me: what does femme mean? How much does femme depend on external characteristics? How can I find my own expression that’s sometimes butch, sometimes femme, sometimes both? How do I rock fancy when I feel ill?

But most importantly:

Where oh wear do I find some kickass brooches?

Ugh! I feel you so hard! I’ve been feeling similarly lately, but it’s been playing out differently for me, since we are clearly different people with different struggles.

I view femme as the core makeup of my gender, my rock that I cling to when I feel like my tilt-a-whirl gender is out of control (which is all of the time). Femme to me means just an overall commitment to loving the feminine both aesthetically and as a larger project (a.k.a. a resistance to the misogynistic queer privileging of masculinities) this usually plays out as me talking about misogyny/transmisogyny 24/7 + outfits with meticulous attention to detail. E.G. It’s hard for me to leave the house without blush. Often though, butch is sort of default for me or at least a more masculine aesthetic, especially when I am super fucking busy with school. Since I am trans/genderqueer, butchness/femmeness are both part of me, just in different ways + different amounts at different times.

To me, fancy is meeting yourself where you are at, but trying to intentionally integrate something into your aesthetic that makes you feel explosive and dangerous and hot. Staying connected to femme even when I look more masculine is something I really strive for every day. Even if I can’t wear dresses right now because it feels loaded, or I don’t have time for a full face of makeup I can still wear glitter hairspray or put on too much blush or wear 3+ brooches and a pant that accentuates my gunt. Fancy should come from a place of love and compassion, and it should be about meeting yourself where you are at.

Also your post/my response reminded me of a poem I wrote once:

i’ve got mad femme swagger and a butch disposition

my gender, at best - is a shitty rendition

if you let me inside

i’ll pull you apart

i’m chivalrous & filthy

with a real tender heart

- big fancy

p.s. kickass brooches from thrift stores/antique shops/grandma’s costume jewelry <3

<3 <3